Artwork By Niamh
I’ve been thinking for a while about my 50th post and what it should be about. It just seems like such a milestone and something to be proud of. And I am proud, so very proud of myself, for getting to the big 5-0. So I decided that this post should be about me. Not me the mother, me the wife, me the teacher, me the whatever else. Just me, stripped bear, the real me.
I came to this decision after having a revelation. A revelation about The Positivity Files. I was finding them so hard to write, to keep track of things, to make time for writing them. It’s not that I don’t feel positive or have really great things happen, big and small, every day, because I do. So why was I having so much trouble? Why couldn’t I write these posts? Why was I avoiding them?
It took a while but I think I have figured it out. It’s a little complicated cause that’s how I roll. At the start of the year in this post here I set myself a word for the year, instead of a New Years Resolution. That word was positivity. I chose that word because I felt like I was being very negative at the time. However on looking back I am unsure if it was me thinking I was too negative or if it was people around me telling me I was being too negative. And that’s where my problem begins.
I think it’s ok to share negative thoughts and experiences. I think it’s ok to recognise negative things are happening and express that. I think it’s ok to feel negative when things aren’t going your way. It’s not that I don’t recognise or enjoy the positive things, I do, but I also know that there are crap things that happen. I truly believe that to enjoy and experience the positive you have to allow yourself to experience the negative. Without sadness there is no happiness.
Then there is the fact that since setting myself that word I truly believe the universe has been testing me. Trying to see how committed I am to this word. There are some things that have happened this year that have been truly shit. At one stage I felt like a whole heap of shit was being shovelled on top of me and burying me underneath it. I also felt like I wasn’t allowed to say this because, after all, I’m too negative. That was a bad decision and actually lead me to experiencing more negativity, in the form of guilt and pain. Not only was I going through a crap time I was making myself wrong for feeling like it was crap. Dear Universe, my commitment is wafer thin, perhaps non-existent. Thank you for showing me this.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some people out there who can turn every negative into a positive, who can see the bright side of things, and who truly believe just by thinking positive things will be so. I am envious of them but I have also realised that is not me. By trying to force myself into being someone I am not, by making myself wrong whenever I did feel or think negatively, I was making myself feel worse.
So the dilemma. I could continue the positivity files and create another set of negativity files, but that didn’t feel right either. I could just keep trying with the positivity files but in all honesty I think they are boring and too airy fairy for me. It isn’t something I would personally chose to read so why would I continue writing them? I don’t want to seek out the positive or negative, I just want to experience life, in all it’s forms and with whatever it sends my way. I don’t want to feel wrong for experiencing it my way, or for sharing how I feel.
I have made a promise to myself. I am just going to be me. If I am unhappy with something about myself I will ask myself why. Is it because I feel that way, I think I should feel that way, or others are making me feel that way? Only the first answer is good enough for me to make changes. Otherwise those changes are just going to make me feel worse. I am me and I like who I am. I don’t want to be what everyone else (or anyone else) wants me to be. Well enough so that I am going to work on making sure I am acting and being a way that is what I think is right, that feels right for me.
Have you had any big revelations lately? Do you act in certain ways because you feel it is expected of you but not who you are? Have you overcome this? If yes please share how 🙂
thebusymumma 