The Meltdown That Had To Happen

There I was, standing in a deserted toy aisle at the local KMart, on the phone to hubby, having my own personal meltdown. Sobbing like my heart was breaking or a dear friend had died. Out of control, ashamed and hiding, distressed and past the point of holding on.

Why? What happened? I hear you ask.

Because I couldn’t print the photos that Niamh needed for Kinder and her daycare homework, and they were already late.

Because the Bluetooth on the self-serve machines did not work, the Facebook link up wouldn’t let me type, the cables were not for an iPhone 5 (although signage about the faults would have been nice and saved me 20 minutes).

Because it took 20 FUCKING MINUTES to walk from the closest car park to the entrance of the store in my granny shuffling way. Even with the oh-so-sexy tuby grip and belly brace on.

Because I was tired from the constant trips to the loo, the constant heartburn and inability to get comfortable in bed that has occurred every night for months.

Because a trip to the chemist and KMart took almost 2 hours instead of the pre-third trimester 20 minutes.

Because Niamh had had a sooky, wilful, “I won’t do it just because you asked me to” kind of morning before going off to Kinder and it took all of my willpower not to react and stay calm.

Because I was in agony and could hardly walk.

Because I feel useless and frustrated about how little I am physically able to do now.

Because I uttered the words “I’m over it” but then was horrified at how selfish that sounded and what the alternative is.

Because I am terrified these babies are going to come early and go to NICU, much earlier than I feared.

Because I got a huge scare on the weekend when I was rushed to hospital in unending pain that felt like everything on my left side was being torn to shreds or broken.

Because I realised how naive and overconfident I have been, maybe even cocky, and its been hard having to face that.

Because I have not organised everything I need for these bubbas yet and have been reminded I am not ready (see above as to why) even though I have organised some things.

Because I am pregnant with twins and the hormones raging at this point are at heavy-duty strength.

Because I have been told to rest but I feel guilty doing it, but then feel guilty if I don’t because I don’t want to risk the twins.

Because even though they don’t mean anything by it, wouldn’t even think for a second I would take it that way, would be mortified if they knew it upset me, people have made comments that have compounded the guilt I feel having to rest. And so I push myself and then feel guilty about not taking medical advice.

Because I find it near impossible to ask for help no matter how much I know I really do need it. And when it’s offered I feel guilty (don’t ask cause I’m really not 100% sure why, although I have my suspicions).

And probably a whole lot more that I’m not even aware of on a conscious level!

Now that I’ve got it out there I feel better, not fantastic but better, and all I can do is take on the lessons I have learnt this week and move on:

I need to respect my body, listen to it and do what I am told.

I need to put the needs of the twins first.

I need to ask for help.

I need to stop feeling guilty and realise that the reason for resting is the greatest one of all.

I need to give myself a break and stop thinking I need to be perfect. It’s ok to feel crap, and complain, and share, and then move on.

Have you ever just had enough after trying to keep it altogether and positive for too long? How did you deal and move on?

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9 thoughts on “The Meltdown That Had To Happen

  1. Oh Bec, I read this and I do hope that getting it off your chest has helped. Any mother can in part sympathize and perhaps in some way understand some of what you are going through – I say part because all our experiences are different and I think unique in many ways. You are right that you do need to think of those two gorgeous bubbas you’re growing, rest, and let them keep cooking a bit longer. But you also need to think of yourself too. I love that you wrote this, I love it not only for yourself, but also for me. I have felt at that breaking point in recent times, and it’s so reassuring to know that others not only see but know those feelings too. Keep reminding yourself of all that it important, whinge, cry, rant if you need, and before you know it (and when the time is absolutely right) you’ll have cuddles with two beautiful newbies and their big sister to help you forget all the crap xx

    • Thanks Kim for your support. I actually do feel better for it. It was horrible getting to that point, however it is something that needed to happen so I could realise what was important and what I needed to do.
      I am here for you too if you need anything, even if its just to unload and unburden yourself xoxo

  2. Hey gorgeous lady 🙂 You are entitled to a breakdown. You are allowed to feel guilty and sad and overwhelmed. One child on the way is hard, but two on the way is going to be a challenge. Prioritising your health right now is extremely important. You are an amazing mother and Niamh and her kindy family will understand if things don’t always go to plan or if things get forgotten. Recognising that you have had enough and that you are sick of trying to keep it together is a great sign that it is time to just stop for a while and do nothing. Take time off work if you are still working, sit around with your beautiful baby girl and watch abc for kids, bake cookies and rest. Don’t think about anything except how blessed your are. When Niamh is at Kindy, do something that you enjoy. I went for a swim at the beach yesterday. I went when I was heavily pregnant with Kaelyn and it was one of the most liberating things I had done. Breath and make yourself smile. 🙂 There is no such thing as perfect, there is only trying your best. You are a strong beautiful intelligent loving woman and remember that all things happen one day at a time. Anticipating the future is not productive emotionally, although we just can’t help ourselves can we? Remember the day you held your beautiful little girl in your arms for the first time and look at the amazing little girl that she is today. If that doesn’t say how incredible you are, nothing else will. Big hugs!

    • Thanks so much for your uplifting words and support. You are so right. It’s the constant feelings of guilt that get me the most, I’m me at 20% lol, but I am the one producing those feelings no one else. I am learning to let go and remember right now, for this short amount of time in the scheme of things, doing what’s best for my body and the twins is what’s best for everyone. Xoxo

    • Very, very true. It has been a hard start to the year and I need to learn how to put myself first and just accept things. I chose my word for the year and need to actually start living it!

  3. Pingback: Harper & Declan – Your Birth Story | thebusymumma

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