OK so first off let’s just say that the title of this post was originally going to be something along the lines of The Beached Whale or The Bath From Hell, but I thought I might sound overly dramatic using those so the very
boring ahem plain The Bath will suffice.
I have been suffering from excruciating back and pelvis pain lately and had the bright idea to soak in a warm bath, best thing for it they say. Well I should have known when putting the plug in was a struggle that a bath was not necessarily the smartest idea.
The actual getting in was quite a struggle, my pelvis has been all stiff and locked up so the whole swinging my leg in just wasn’t happening. Eventually I worked out a system of gripping the bench top, leaning in the opposite direction and using my hand to lift in that first leg. I am sure if anyone had been watching this endeavour they would have left a sizeable puddle on the floor from the tears of mirth and lack of control over their bodily functions at the sight of my hugely pregnant body contorted in such an unwieldy manner all in the aid of a bath!
Once in however, things took a decided turn for the best. Even though there were many parts of me making islands in my paradise, the comfort and relaxation of being in a bath was overwhelmingly soothing. I briefly considered becoming a mermaid for the last leg of this pregnancy just for the pure bliss I was experiencing. I even managed to get my hands on the shell from the barbie mermaid
water feature bath toy and repeatedly filled the tiny container to pour over my swollen and cold belly. The twins seemed to love it too. Every time a trickle of water rolled over one of them they would wiggle and bump, creating a spectacular wave-like (or alienesque) show for my viewing pleasure.
There were only two downsides to the bath thus far.
1. The bath was warm. I don’t know about you but I love my baths to be turn-you-lobster red hot. I will actually empty some water out after
cooking relaxing to add pure hot water (I LOVE the feeling of the hot water mingling with the cooler and creeping up my body).
2. I had these guys watching:
Now I don’t know about you but for some reason they creep me right out. I mean you can just tell looking at the starfish he’s a big perve, can’t even look at me straight! The fish is up to something dodgy, the octopus is obviously alarmed at my gargantuan size and is probably wondering how I actually fit in the bath in the first place, and the crab is scared shitless. How are you supposed to relax with all of that going on?
The fun and games, however, began when I tried to get out of the bath. And when I say tried, I mean struggled to lift my body out of the water. And OK, if we’re being honest, when I say struggled I mean was physically unable to lift any part of my body out of the water. Thank God I waited for hubby to get home, and I only did that as obviously only a highly irresponsible parent would have a bath while home alone with their 4 year old daughter (I remembered it would be highly irresponsible whilst getting all the bath things together mind you lol).
So there I am, effectively stuck in the bath, near tears (as if you wouldn’t be, so big you can’t stand up) calling desperately for hubby. He walks in, takes one look and cracks right up. Apparently my unseemly and distressing plight is in some way amusing to him. In some way a comedy routine designed for his benefit. Needless to say, with a lot of arm grabbing, pulling and clinging onto fastly secured objects, I am out and not destined to live my days as some bloated wannabe sea creature.
Niamh, of course, wanted to get in on the act and so mummy had to stand still and be rubbed dry just in case the babies had been upset. The thought of said babies being upset about their mother’s obviously inconsiderate bath adventure led my caring daughter to rain multiple hugs and kisses onto their prison walls.
I would like to end this story by saying I will not be having another bath until the twins are born. That I will not put myself through the humiliation, distress and body-contortioning disaster that is a bathing experience whilst pregnant with twins. However, I would be lying. Because those 20 mins of barely-covered-by-water bliss were truly some of the best 20 minutes I have experienced in the last couple of weeks, and I am not willing to give that up for my pride!!!